Notes On Bass

While repeatedly pulling a plastic worm in and out of a pond today in honor of the Bassmaster Classic, I thought of two things:

1. When people ask which sports records may never be broken, why doesn't the world's largest bass ever get any love?

The record setting bass was caught in 1932, tipping the scales at 22 pounds 4 ounces. Just some Joe Shmoe 19 year old out to catch some grub in Georgia.

For those math deficient souls, let me grab my TI-82 --- that's 75 years as a record.

It's not for lack of trying, either. People are fishing all the time and with $1 million on the line for whoever lands the new record, some of those people are trying really, really hard.

There was, recently, a Barry Bonds of bass -- a record with an asterisk -- caught in California. It weighed in at 25 lbs but was hooked on it's side -- which is considered foul hook -- and it was caught by some sketchball who let it go without an official measurement. So the 1932 record still stands.

I guess it comes down to basic bass genetics. It's rare that bass grow that large and when they do it's still a matter of finding and catching. It's the human equivalent of sending a bird out with hopes that it shit on Yao Ming's head.

If I ever get my day on Sportscenter to be asked what records will never be broken, I'll be a maverick and say the bass record, then I'll say "Wait, Stu, you have a lazy eye? Huh, it's barely even noticeable on TV."


2. A Fishing Report: If you toss a 4" pumpkin seed Powerworm w/ purple tail around for a few hours in a pond you won't catch anything. Then, if you yell "BITE THIS YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!", you will catch two tiny bass. It worked for me.