Mystery Pitch That Dives Straight Ahead

We're talking gyroball -- the big mystery pitch imported from Japan.

The New York Times devotes some space to this much inquired about phenomenon and ruins the collective hopes of millions of baseball fans:

The pitch started on the same course as a changeup, but it barely dipped. It looked like a slider, but it did not break. The gyroball, despite its zany name, is supposed to stay perfectly straight.

“That’s it!” Tezuka said, laughing hysterically on the mound. “That’s the gyro!”

The gyroball stays straight, steady and sure? Gyro? And you're laughing about it, Tezuka?

I declare rip off of unprecedented scale.

Worse than advertising at carnivals.

Worse than Super Bowl XLI.

Worse than Anna Kournikova But Not Anna Kournikova Penthouse photos.

Worse, even, than the time I had to call Gatorade to ask if Gatorade Rain contained any extra 'Is it in you?' only to find out I'd just been duped into buying watered down Gatorade.

Lady: Thank you for calling Gatorade, how can I help you?

Me outside 7/11: Hi, does this Gatorade Rain contain anything other than watered-down Gatorade ?

Lady: Well, it has a crisp taster with less after...

Me: Yeah, I see all that on the bottle. What I'm asking is if I took normal Gatorade and added water, is that the same thing as Rain?

Lady: Like the same formula?

Me: Yes.

Lady: Yes it is.

Me: Shit.

This sucks.

Though, maybe I'm overreacting.

An off-speed pitch that resembled a slider would not only throw the hitter's timing off, but make him swing under the ball due to it's spin and, if used properly, could be extremely effective. The only problem being, that would be an Off-SpeedPitchThatResemblesASliderButTravelsStraightBall -- which may be a mouthful but is sure as hell more honest than gyroball.

Either way, MLB beware; I'm working on a TotallyEpicUpsideDownball that will blow the laces off every ball in the league. And guess what, liars?

It really travels upside down.