All-Star Naz

Peter Gammons on why the AL has won 9 in a row:
"People talk about the Jeter effect: he's been in 8 All-Star games and never lost."

This quote was based on the fact that Jim Leland made some comment after the game about looking over at Jeter in the 7th to find him mega-intense and into the game. And it's a good thing to, because those other AL guys had started dicking off and speaking in Spanish and if it weren't for Jeters's intensity from the bench, Orlando would've never flied out to end the game with the bases juiced.

So just to be clear: Jeter, who went O-for and made zero contribution in the field willed his team to victory. He just wanted it more than everyone else. In fact, would you believe in the past eight years no one has wanted to win more than him? And if they did they certainly didn't channel this pure willpower into victories like Jeter has.

If I were Jeter I would stop wasting this awesome ability to will the AL to victory in All-Star games and start willing the Yanks to win the big one. But that's just me.

The Greatest Ever?

I think we should all pay respects to the greatest baseball player of our era. Nope not that guy, the guy that juiced up and hit all those home runs. The man I'm talking about is Ken Griffey Jr, not only one of the greatest hitters of our era but one of the biggest class acts of all time. Despite missing 4 or so seasons of baseball in his prime, Griffey on sunday passed Mark Mcgwire for seventh all time, hitting two jacks and totalling his home runs to 584. It just so happens he hit the two bombs in Seattle, a place he had called home for some eleven seasons.

"It was more than I expected, a lot more than I expected," Griffey said of the reception. "To have that many people, for that long, cheer for you was pretty unbelievable."
Griffey kept his composure, but it wasn't easy.
"I had to take a couple of deep breaths during the ovations," he said. "It was touching, but I didn't want to start crying so I could go home and have my kids say, 'Daddy, you (were) a punk."

Lets not forget his modesty, which by the way, is second to none...

“You play long enough, you hit a few out and you catch people,” Griffey said after Sunday's game.


To me, the guy is a class act, belonging to the same class of personal favorites like Reggie Miller, Larry Bird, Troy Brown,John Stockton, Cal Ripken Jr, that I respect not just for their dedication to their orginization but the appreciation they created and the fans they entertained. I could never understand how people could not like Griffey, that calm batting stance, the way he used to absolutely cover any ball hit into center field in the infamously shitty Kingdome. Lets not forget the backwards hat and diamond earing look he made popular. I could go on and on about his humanitarian efforts and how much he has invested in the make-a-wish foundation, but I've gotta get back to work. Keep it up Griffey....

Elijah Dukes

You can take the man out of the ghetto but you cannot take the ghetto out of the man. On 620 WDAE this morning, Elijah Dukes fired off about how he is being wrongly labeled as a troublemaker. In case you don't pay attention, the guy has six kids with five different women, threatned to kill one of them and more recently, impregnated a seventeen year old girl who was living with his grandmother. His mom came out publicly last week and stated it wasn't Elijah's fault.

This is a direct quote from his mom (seriously):
"Every time one of those (whores) lays down with my baby, they end up pregnant," she said. "That's right. And I'm tired of them."

Below is a link to the rather funny interview from this morning..

Dukes Interview

Dear Yankee Fans

Dear Yankee Fans,

Congratualtaions or your latest win streak. Though I hate you, I can't ignore the fact you will most likely still win the division, despite your absolutely terrible start of the season. With that being said, your team as we know it is history. You simply can't go out and get a bunch of expensive players and expect them to win championships. Remember when you guys won all those games in 1998? You think that was luck or something? That was arguably one of the greatest teams to ever play. I'd even put that team in the same class as the Oakland teams or Reds teams of the 70's, Johnny Bench and Pete Rose, Reggie Jackson and a plethera of hall of famers. This was not because you guys had an expensive payroll, but because you had ROLE PLAYERS(Brosius,O' Neill,Knoblauch,Chad Curtis, Joe Girardi). Granted your rotation was much much better with guys like Cone, El Duque in his prime...etc. But I mean, Scott Brosius was the MVP for christ's sake. The truth is, you cannot buy chemistry (coughs: Washington Redskins...sorry I had something in my throat..haha).The fact is, your championship drought will continue unless Steinbrenner invests in his TEAM rather than it's PLAYERS. Good luck Yanks fans you won't win another one until your philosophy and your constant attempts to ruin the game of baseball cease and desist.

Yours Truly,

Bryan "The tortured D-ray fan" Abznaz

D-Ray blowpen

I don't get worked up about much....But the D-rays need to begin a scutinous process of self evaluation....

BUT HOW THE HELL DO YOU GIVE UP SIX RUNS IN THE NINTH INNING?

How are any of those bullpen pitchers still in the Majors?

How do you go into an offseason with leauges worst bullpen and do absolutely nothing about it?

How long will fans put up with this?

When are you going to spend some money on your ROSTER?

How could you think of drafting anyone but David Price in the Mlb Draft?

Is Shawn Camp the worst pitcher in the game?

Has Brian Stokes ever recorded an out in his entire pitching career?

GOD I HATE THIS TEAM!

AH!!!!!!!!

intrusive media

Upon hearing of the news of Caridnals relief pitcher Josh Hancock's death, I became a little upset with the way the media has handeling the situation. The guy obviously made a wrong decision and got behind the wheel of a car (registering a .17 or something like two times the legal limit), crashed into a parked tow truck and died on impaxt. With that being said, does anyone feel it's wrong to leak out things like he ws carrying pot on him at the time of his death? The news is tragic enough and now the family needs to hear how much weed and how drunk he was at the time of his unfortunate passing. I don't know his situation enough to judge but it seems a bit unfair for his family to hear stuff like this at a time when they certainely don't need it. As a sports fan and a human being for that matter, I think it's wrong to leak out personal things like that; as it clearly labels Hancock as someone who was an abuser and in some way tarnishes his life (Its not like he can defend himself!). I've always thought of our cultures fascination with death as pretty comical; how people called James Dean's death a "tradgedy" even though he was driving through Los Angles going 150 mph. How Tupac was "tradgically" murdered ? Tradgedy? Really? Well, before I get off course,it's not neccesary to leak information for people so harshly once they have passed on...Just a thought

D-Ray Disapointment

Well, its another year in D-rayville and it seems not a whole lot has changed. Yes, the young lineup shows dramatic progress and our highly touted young prospects (Delmon Young,Iwamura..etc) are finally beginning to live up to their hype. With that being said, the leagues by far worst bullpen is just the same as last year, absolutely atrocious. For decency purposes, I'm not going to pick on the rotation even though its just as bad, (Casey Fossum a starter! I mean come on!). Anyways, somehow management must have thought it would magically get better over the offseason purely through faith. I cannot believe how bad the pitching is. Like, the other day, I turned off the Orioles game in the sixth inning because it was 7-1, only to find the next morning that the Orioles came back to win the game 9-7! I'm sorry man but Scott Kazmir can't pitch every inning of every game, eventually your gonna have to shell out money. Yea, that's right money, the blatant reason the Yankees and Red Sox finish 1-2 in the division every single year. It must be hard to ignore the fact that A-rod and Jeter make more in a year than the D-rays spend on their entire organization. Can somebody tell me why do I care about a team that lost 100 games last year?

He Will?

I realize that Barry Bonds -- in all statistical likelihood (despite him only hitting 25 dingers last year) -- will break Hank Aaron's all-time HR record, but given that injuries do in fact happen, and sometimes result in missing multiple seasons (Griffey) and, though less common for position players, careers (Puckett) -- why is it that sportscasters state that Bond will definitively break the record?

Am I missing something? Time travel? Anything at all that lets them know this is a done deal before it's actually a done deal?

Beause if so I've got like ten thousand things I need to know about the Redskins' roster next year.


IN OTHER NEWS Hammering-Hank seems like one hell of a guy and I wish he was in my family. Maybe a son, or something.

Say What?

During the Twins / Yanks spring training game today, the annoucers gave a little AL East preview --
"The Yanks -- can they remain healthy and overcoming A-Rod distractions?
The Red Sox -- can(I missed this part...not important)?
The O's, can they find quality pitching after their big 3 starters?
The D-Rays are going to be terrible."

Sign of the Times

Wrigley is placing ads on their outfield wall. Repent, the end is nigh.


IN OTHER NEWS the USC hockey goalie mooned a BYU crowd and was charged with misdemeanor lewdness. Good thing Joe Buck wasn't calling that game.

Psst, Gary, Witches Aren't Real

Gary Sheffield has announced his intention not to cooperate with the Senate investigation into steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Gary dropped science like so:

"The [players'] association told us this is just a witch hunt, they don't want us to talk to them. This is all about getting [Bonds]. If this was legitimate and they did it the right way, it would be different. But this a witch hunt. They're just trying to collect a lot of stuff that doesn't
make any sense and throw the shit against the wall."

Without touching on the merits of the investigation, or lack thereof, let's break that quote down.

• That the players association is telling players not to talk with investigators directly contradicts their previous statement; "We will give [the players] whatever our best advice is under the circumstances, and then players make their individual decisions."


• "If they did it the right way" - I'm not sure what Sheffield means by the "right way", like catching the needle still stuck in Bonds' quivering ass? Or maybe The Clear, err, massage cream still glistening on his pectorals? Maybe Sheff could explain to us what the right way to go about this is, though I'd imagine that the right way for him is no way at all.


• "This is a witch hunt" -- I'm trying to nitpick a widely used phrase but a 'witch hunt' implies that the charges are dubious at best and 'hunters' are taking extreme measures to make the charges gain validity. In this case the steroid usage did indeed occur and the investigation is trying to determine where and when, hence, it asking players who are shrouded in suspicion to help clarify their role.
  

IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS here are two completely random pictures of Barry Bonds.

Mystery Pitch That Dives Straight Ahead

We're talking gyroball -- the big mystery pitch imported from Japan.

The New York Times devotes some space to this much inquired about phenomenon and ruins the collective hopes of millions of baseball fans:

The pitch started on the same course as a changeup, but it barely dipped. It looked like a slider, but it did not break. The gyroball, despite its zany name, is supposed to stay perfectly straight.

“That’s it!” Tezuka said, laughing hysterically on the mound. “That’s the gyro!”

The gyroball stays straight, steady and sure? Gyro? And you're laughing about it, Tezuka?

I declare rip off of unprecedented scale.

Worse than advertising at carnivals.

Worse than Super Bowl XLI.

Worse than Anna Kournikova But Not Anna Kournikova Penthouse photos.

Worse, even, than the time I had to call Gatorade to ask if Gatorade Rain contained any extra 'Is it in you?' only to find out I'd just been duped into buying watered down Gatorade.

Lady: Thank you for calling Gatorade, how can I help you?

Me outside 7/11: Hi, does this Gatorade Rain contain anything other than watered-down Gatorade ?

Lady: Well, it has a crisp taster with less after...

Me: Yeah, I see all that on the bottle. What I'm asking is if I took normal Gatorade and added water, is that the same thing as Rain?

Lady: Like the same formula?

Me: Yes.

Lady: Yes it is.

Me: Shit.

This sucks.

Though, maybe I'm overreacting.

An off-speed pitch that resembled a slider would not only throw the hitter's timing off, but make him swing under the ball due to it's spin and, if used properly, could be extremely effective. The only problem being, that would be an Off-SpeedPitchThatResemblesASliderButTravelsStraightBall -- which may be a mouthful but is sure as hell more honest than gyroball.

Either way, MLB beware; I'm working on a TotallyEpicUpsideDownball that will blow the laces off every ball in the league. And guess what, liars?

It really travels upside down.

Daisuke Mat-chug-zaka

...

Just a few days into spring training and Dice-K is already running afoul of the US government, specifically the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau, whose office parties have won the award for "Worst Parties Ever" six years running.

The problem is that Matsuzaka starred in a beer commercial in Japan and an athlete is prohibited from appearing in beer commercials in the US since 1874 or whenever this archaic law was written. And yes, you read that correctly; he starred in a beer commercial in Japan and starring in beer commercials as an athlete is illegal in the United States. From the article...cue pull quotes:

A slick commercial for Asahi “Super” Dry beer features Matsuzaka donning a Red Sox jersey and throwing in full uniform in front of a simulated frenzied throng (ed: one of these days they'll forget an 'R' and that sentence will be a hell of a lot more funny. And I'm not talking about a fenzied throng, either *). In between those shots, Matsuzaka, in street clothes, is shown first taking a couple of gulps from a large glass of beer. After a quick cut, the shot returns to Matsuzaka downing the beer and, with foam on his lips, smiling and sighing contentedly.

Silly commercial, Japanese people are always smiling and sighing contentedly, it's part of their culture!

According to Arthur Resnick, director of public and media affairs for the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau in Washington, D.C., Matsuzaka’s Asahi ad may merit punitive action.
“Our jurisdiction runs to false and misleading ads,” said Resnick, who pointed to a 1995 ruling that says the bureau would consider unacceptable any ad “which depicts any individual (famous athlete or otherwise) consuming or about to consume an alcoholic beverage prior to or during an athletic activity or event,” or an ad that states that drinking alcohol “will enhance athletic prowess, performance at athletic activities or events, health or conditioning.”

This is asinine. It's asinine that we pay a bureau that has such a paucity of tasks that they even look into this sort of thing.

The actual commercial in question IS FREAKING AWESOME. And I will only be drinking Asahi from now on or until I become a famous pitcher for the Red Sox, because the commercial makes it abundantly clear that if you drink enough Asahi Super Dry you're pretty much on a one-way train to Fenway Park.

I'm actually drinking two as I type this.

Cue Japanesse announcer: "Asahi: SuperDuurrryyy!"



* While on the subject of editing errors and sex, I've gotta bring up the famous Chicago Tribune error that turned "You Can't Say That" into "You Cunt Say That" -- on the front page of the WomanNews section.

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